Operation: Splitting Up Team Annoyance
by niver
Summary: Itachi can't sleep at night, and it isn't because of nightmares or teenage hormones. It's because the most annoying Akatsuki pair ever, Sasori and Orochimaru, just won't shut up. /Orosaso if you squint/ /SERIOUSLY OOC CRACK/ /oneshot/


**Operation: Splitting Up Team Annoyance**

**Niver**

_Giggles._

"_Sasori-kun, did you see what Hidan did at dinner . . ."_

Itachi narrowed his eyes, wishing that the Akatsuki had chosen a less cheap hotel to meet and celebrate . . . something. (Itachi wasn't senior enough to be told this, as he had just 'officially' joined the Akatsuki.

The walls would be thicker, and he wouldn't be forced to listen to that god-awful team of Orochimaru and Sasori gossiping into the late night, into early morning in fact. Although Sasori was exempt from such things, didn't Orochimaru need SLEEP? Itachi did. And lack of it was causing those lines caused from lack of sleep in his busy childhood to stay. He's hoped some rest and relaxation would provide the solution to such things marring his beauty.

_Laughter._

"_Orochi-san, could you paint my nails for me? You're so good at it!"_

"_Of course, Sasori-kun. It would be my pleasure. Though I believe you aren't giving yourself the credit you deserve. Your hands are so steady!"_

"_Only because I'm a puppet! You're all-natural, your prettiness isn't fake like mine!"_

"_Oh, I wish you would stop being mean to yourself. Your prettiness is all-natural too. Just preserved."_

"_Oh, Orochi-san. You're such a charmer."_

Itachi came to a decision, that night after a week of having to put up with those two gaylords. He was going to kill them both. Oh wait. Sasori couldn't die . . . well, not to Itachi's knowledge he could. So Orochimaru would die.

Oh wait. Again.

Leader-sama had already said that killing other Akatsuki members was a big no-no. He seemed to think of the evil organization as his family or something, and didn't want them dying off. Killing one of the older members would probably get Itachi kicked out. But really, what kind of evil mastermind calls his lackeys 'family'? Of course, Itachi reasoned the man was probably an orphan. Those little scummers did have a nasty whiff about them . . .

Oh wait. A third time.

_Itachi_ was an orphan.

"Forgot about that." Itachi mumbled. It seemed that the important ritual of nail-painting had calmed things down next door, so the Uchiha could finally roll over and fall asleep.

Despite his late night, Itachi awoke at dawn, per usual. As he ambled down the hallway to get to the bathroom, he passed by Sasori and Orochimaru's room. The annoyances had left their door open, explaining why they were louder than normal last night. An evil plan formed in Itachi's mind, as he headed to the washroom for his daily shower, hair care and, of course, to get a cold bucket of water. His plan was quite obvious. "But, before all that . . ." Itachi sighed, as he closed his eyes, "I need to scrub my eyes clean."

After all, he really hadn't needed to see Orochimaru and Sasori, both wearing frilly nightgowns and cuddling in their sleep.

_Shudder._

So, an hour or so later (his hair deserved plenty of attention, thank-you-very-much), Itachi sneaked into the room the partners' shared, and upended a the bucket of cold water on the sleeping duo. It was as Orochimaru awoke with a start, screaming things like, "SARUTOBI-SENSEI'S BEARD" and "BY TSUNADE'S BREASTS, I SWEAR--" that Itachi realized that, as Sasori was completely lacking the need (and ability) to sleep, the puppet-user must be awake.

As if to prove Itachi's thoughts, Sasori sat up and began to giggle hopelessly. It was a bit creepy. "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW ITACHI WAS GUNNA SPRAY US WITH WATER. AND NOW OROCHI-SAN GOT WOKEN UP ALL RUDE LIKE! I KNEW IT! WHAT A LOSER! I KNEW, BUT HE DIDN'T! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!" As Sasori said this, he also bounced up and down and clapped his hands together, his voice so high-pitched with glee Itachi had to wonder if the elder had hit puberty before turning himself into a puppet. He certainly talked like a backwards nine year old. '_Isn't this man supposed to be a genius?'_

"That's not very nice, Sasori-kun." Orochimaru commented as he ringed out water from the pigtails he currently sported. Sasori only shrieked in laughter.

It was then, as he watched Orochimaru slowly become more and more irritated at Sasori's bordering on hysterical laughter, then slap Sasori, that the answer came to Itachi. Exactly what to do. Sure, _killing _wasn't an option, but he could always split the two up. Although they could both be incredibly annoying on their own, together they were a force to be reckoned with. And the hard part would not be splitting them up (a desire to hurt people around them as result of angsty childhoods helped), but keeping them apart. Even now, the two were making up over their little scuffle.

_'One of them has to leave. Entirely. After a very large fight of bad stuffs. Perhaps some, he said-she said, and false blame. It will be . . . the greatest breakup of the century!'_ As Itachi left the two to spend an hour dressing each other -- _into regulation uniform_ – he was already plotting in that pretty, evil, genius head of his. All he had to do was decide who to get rid of. This was answered quite simply. Itachi just wrote Orochimaru's name on one side of a small piece of paper, and Sasori's on the other, and let the piece flutter to the ground. When he looked down to see Orochimaru's name staring up at him, he nodded. _'That settles that.'_

With a smirk, he picked the piece of paper up to recycle it (trees have feelings too, man!), before sitting back down at his writing desk in order to forge a letter to himself in Sasori's handwriting (something easily gained with the Sharingan, of course.) They claimed to be 'just friends', but Orochimaru gave off possessive vibes every time some one so much as dared to touch Sasori inappropriately. Jealousy spices up everything, non?

_'Time to start . . . Operation: Splitting Up Team Annoyance.'_

**.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.**

Itachi was holding the pages of false letters in his hands. It had taken hours, but he had finally written out what would be 'Sasori's' attempt to 'stalk' him. Sure, Itachi wasn't so great at matters of lurve, but Sasori was a processed tree, he couldn't really be much better, right?

Once he spotted Orochimaru, who was thankfully without Sasori (the redhead had to talk to Leader-sama for a bit), he walked up, making sure he had what he was going to say planned out. "Orochimaru."

"If it isn't Itachi-kun. Come to apologize for splashing me this morning?" Asked Orochimaru, as he watched the Akatsuki play fetch by tossing Hidan's head for Zetsu to run after and bring back, with a wide grin on his face, the dismembered body part. Hidan was complaining about Zetsu licking him, but he couldn't really do anything as he was nothing more than a head, and Zetsu was in Puppy Mode. (Which, in the future, will be more feared than Lee in Gate Mode and Orochimaru in Pedo Mode).

"Well . . ." Itachi paused, half for dramatic effect, half because it was just plain _weird _to see a grown plant-man playing fetch with a talking head. "The thing is, I was trying to splash Sasori. I hoped to rot his wood."

"Why?" Asked Orochimaru in confusion, as he could not imagine what his Sasori-kun could have done wrong. Meanwhile, the rest of the Akatsuki were setting themselves up for a game of baseball. With Hidan's head as the ball, obviously. Learn your long-running Akatsuki gags, dammit!

"I'm quite afraid . . . that . . . he has been . . . STALKING ME!" And with all the flare of a soap opera actor (just none of the emotion), Itachi threw the papers into the air for Orochimaru to catch as they came fluttering down.

"_'Itachi. You are lacking in not being perfect. You are too perfect for words. I love the way your shiny, lustrous, gorgeous, long, luscious, nice-smelling, well-cared for, natural sexy hair bounces at the slightest movement. Err . . . I also like your MS. I think it is really kick ass and cool. I wish I had an MS like yours, but being an annoying, make-up obsessed puppet means I cannot. My powers are lame compared to your elite skills. I love you, so can we please meet up sometime to talk about how perfect you are--'_ what the hey Itachi-kun, this just sounds like one of your third-person POV diary entries."

"That's why it sounded so familiar when I was writi—err---reading them." Itachi mumbled, before trying to put an overly dramatic look of fear on his face. But, since his (beautiful) facial features were pretty much carved out of rock, he only managed to widen his eyes. "I'm ever so afraid Orochimaru! You must protect me, for I fear that Sasori might be after my ever so sweet virginity!"

"Wut?" Asked Orochimaru in confusion, before he gave Itachi an odd stare. "I don't really see Sasori-kun doing that. I mean, don't let him know I said this, I love him to death, really, but that silly boy-in-appearance knows about as much about the actual doing of sex as you do." The Uchiha would have been offended, but it was true, so he only decided to take another course to getting what he needed. Sasori would be done the meeting soon.

So Itachi leaned forward, batted his eyelashes, and cooed (in a disturbingly sexy tone), "you can protect me from the mean ol' Sasori, right?" And just like that, Orochimaru was caught. Hey, could you say no to a face like that? And as if to express his desire to protect the boy, he hugged Itachi tightly.

"Yes, I will, I will protect you with my life!" _'No need to get so dramatic, stupid snake.' _What happened next was painful. Itachi tried to shift himself out of Orochimaru's grip, and in attempt to keep Itachi there, the snakey man grabbed for Itachi again, but accidentally punched Itachi in the face.

"DEAR MY DEAD MOTHER, THAT HURT LIKE A BIT--" Before Itachi could continue, Orochimaru cut him off with a "sorry" and attempted to help Itachi off the floor, where he was writhing in pain, but, since his aim was clearly impaired from lack of sleep, poked Itachi in both eyes at the same time.

"DEAR BLEACHED SHEETS OF IMPENDING DESTRUCTION, ARE YOU TRYING TO BLIND ME DEAR MAN?" As the Uchiha screamed, he felt his anger overpower him, so he sent a kick flying straight for the pale-pale-pale man's groin.

Before he could make contact however, he felt something tackle him from midair and send him skidding into the ground. "Who the braided rope--?" He struggled to see through his watering eyes, he managed to make out Sasori. As things swam further into focus, he noticed that the puppet was straddling him. And that Orochimaru was in the background, the most tragic look of despair to ever grace a man's face awash on his features.

"IT'S TRUE. AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. I HATE YOU, AKASUNA NO SASORI!" And with his tears falling behind him in a dramatic arc, the snake sannin ran crying from the room. In slow motion. Yeaaaaaaaaah. Now _that_ is where it's at.

Sasori watched Orochimaru run out the room, luckily missing Itachi's snort of disbelief at the long haired man's dramatics. "He hates me?" When Sasori's head whipped around (at breakneck speed, so fast that Itachi was quite sure the man's head had done a three sixty) Itachi thought for a second he saw the glitter of teardrops in Sasori's eyes, but when he blinked and looked again, he realized he was simply delusional. "He hates me . . ." Sasori looked quite down. It was Itachi's time to strike. Sure, things weren't going how he planned, but he _was_ a genius.

"Well . . . I know what to do. We'll get him jealous, so he'll want to steal you for himself." Itachi said this in his best 'BUY NOW' voice, that sorta sounded like a cat being put through a blender with a reality show blaring in the background. But only sorta.

"You're a genius!" Sasori cried out, not even doubting the teen at all. With a large grin, he ran off in the direction of his bedroom. "COME ON, 'TACHI! I HAVE THE PERFECT PLAN!" Itachi followed.

**.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.**

Sasori _did_ have the perfect plan. And so much more. He'd opened up a box marked 'TOPE SEEKRET' in large red crayon, and inside had been the blueprints for nearly every plan imaginable. Killing a kage, killing your clan, making the perfect fruit smoothie, attaining immortality, how to lure little boys into your waiting arms, how to grow the perfect squash, ten ways to lose weight and keep it off . . . those were just the beginning to the multitude of plans in the box. Yet Sasori bypassed all of these and pulled out a plan entitled 'MACKEEN AN PEIDIOFILE JELUZ' in large purple crayon. Itachi frowned. "Err . . . when did you write this?"

Sasori blinked. "Like, a couple weeks ago. This entire box and plans were made in the last ten years." Itachi chose not to comment on the Suna nin's inability to spell. That would just be cruel. (Not that Itachi particular cared about not being cruel; he just needed Sasori to work with him.) "Now, this is what we'll do . . ." began Sasori, and Itachi leaned in to see better. It was quite possible that Orochimaru had permanently damaged his vision. No matter. The plan looked good for all its spelling and grammar errors.

Itachi made a mental note. It was time to begin sub-operation, 'MACKEEN AN PEIDIOFILE JELUZ'.

**.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.**

"Oh, Sasori. your grain is so . . . straight!" Itachi cooed, a look of concentration passing his features. He had to come up these compliments on his own, and that was hard work for someone who did nothing but feed his overly large ego.

"Oh, Itachi, compliment me louder!" Sasori said a large, fake, voice, as he pointed slyly (note: waving his hands crazily) at Orochimaru. "I don't think I can hear you!"

"Oh." Itachi pitched his voice so it was louder. "Sasori, your . . . hair . . . is so . . . hairy . . ?" This was the current plan: get Orochimaru jealous by having Itachi fawn over Sasori. And this involved those loud, annoying, fake voices people use when they want to be overheard. Needless to say, neither was a particularly good actor.

"Why thank you!" Sasori replied, and as Itachi stumbled over more compliments, they watched Orochimaru edge his way closer to the duo's table until he stood by it.

"Hello, Itachi-kun. Red head whom I do not know. How is your evening (it was morning) going? I couldn't help but overhear the conversation the two of you were having." Orochimaru said this as casually as he could, before flinging himself at Sasori. "TAKE ME BACK AS YOUR BFF, SASORI-KUUUUUUUN! LOOK, I STILL HAVE OUR FRIENDSHIP BRACELETS!" With this cry of despair, Orochimaru waved his wrist, which was sporting a friendship bracelet, wildly. However, his movements were too vigorous, and the bracelet cut clean through his wrist, lopping off his hand and hitting Itachi in the eyes.

"FLYING SHARINGAN-SUBDUED COWS OF MOTHER AND MIRTH, I'M EVEN MORE BLIND!" Screamed Itachi as he hit the floor, and sadly missed what happened next.

Thanks to the miracles of fanfiction, Orochimaru's hand smacked Sasori straight in the face. As the blood-soaked hand slid down his face, Sasori's eyes widened in fear. "EWWW, AND EWY ICKY THINGAMAGIG LANDED ON MY FACE! GEDDIT OFF! EWWWWWWW!"

Orochimaru ignored his partner's complaints as he stared at the shattered friendship bracelet. "Is this an omen?" He asked sadly, as he brought his stump of a wrist up to his face. Upon realizing he was missing a hand, the pale man began to shriek as well, adding to the din. "DEAR ANTIESTABLISHMENTING FRIED JUTSU MARKER CAKES, I AM MISSING A HAND!"

Sasori, with a tiny shriek, threw Orochimaru's hand at him. "I found it, you FREAK!" Ouch. In his face, puppet man.

Orochimaru, feeling an object smacking him, turned just in time to see the ring-bearing hand on the table surface, and Sasori's arm in a throwing motion. His eyes narrowed dangerously. "It was you! I have no idea why I wanted to be your BFF again! I always knew you were jealous of my superior looks and better manicures!"

Sasori gasped, before an angry look crossed his face. "Are you kidding me? I'm better looking than you could ever PRAY to be, and your nail polish is _flaking_." The red-head finished off with a tiny sniff.

By now, Itachi had pulled himself back on his seat and registered the situation, while he laughed mentally. This was perfect. He needed more fuel to the fire though. So he leaned forward with a tiny expression of shock (barely different than his usual expression of nothing), and said in a conspiratorial tone, "Sasori, what was that you were saying earlier? About Orochimaru being a rapist who just doesn't understand when people aren't really friends?"

"You said what?" Orochimaru gave Sasori an ugly look. "Well, Itachi-kun, remember when I told you how Sasori is a fashion-backwards idiot who wouldn't know what a 'pity friendship' even if it smacked him in his ugly face?"

Itachi smirked inwardly. This was even more excellent. One thing about these two: insult their looks or beauty skills and they would never forgive you. Clearly shown by Sasori's next comment. "Orochimaru, you . . . meanie! I will never forgive you! I hate you!"

"Well, I hate you too! I ORDER you to leave the Akatsuki!" Orochimaru sneered, as he pointed his hand-missing arm at Sasori. The red head only shook his head mulishly.

"I was here first! I have seniority!" Sasori commented, pronouncing 'seniority' carefully, since it was most likely the longest word he'd ever said. "Leave and never come back, Orochimaru!"

Orochimaru stood up, off the table, and snatched up his hand. "Well you know what? I'm leaving! The Akatsuki is nothing but a bunch of losers who can't match shoes and purses anyways! Though the ring is kinda cute, so I'm keeping it. Sasori, I will never forget that you deserve to _die_."

Sasori sniffed. "I'll never forget that _you_ deserve to die. Called it, locked it, put it in my pocket!" Orochimaru gave Sasori an aghast look, and, overpowered by childish rhymes, fled the room, and was never seen again. Well, he did stop at the door, turn around, and informed Itachi that he blamed the Uchiha for 'taking Sasori's side'.

Itachi felt it no real loss. After all, he'd finished his objective. He could finally sleep well at night.

**.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

_A couple years later . . ._

Itachi rolled over in bed with a contented sigh. He'd had a fabulous night's sleep, and was feeling right and chipper for that day's mission: help Sasori pick up his new partner.

And mentioning Sasori, the man had truly grown into someone Itachi didn't mind at all after Orochimaru's betrayal. He'd become surly, quiet, intelligent and now hid himself in some deformed puppet. A polar opposite of the days where Itachi couldn't get a good rest because of giggling over hair straightening.

So, they headed out to the place where the future partner was. And Itachi, still in his chipper mood (not that you could really tell) easily overpowered the blond and forced him to join the Akatsuki. Sasori was apparently not caring, for he ignored his new partner as they dragged the unwilling boy back to the hotel that Kisame, Itachi and Sasori had been staying in. (Ironically, the same one in which Orochimaru had left the Akatsuki all those years ago.)

So, Deidara (as the blond was called), Sasori, Kisame and Itachi were all sitting at a table together, ignoring the looks Itachi was being given and the comments on 'flying hands'. That was when the beginning of Itachi's nightmare came. And how did it start? Why, simply Sasori climbing out of his Hiroku form, and glomping Deidara excitedly, with a squeel of "FELLOW FASHIONISTA!"

To which Deidara replied y hugging Sasori back with a loud exclamation of, "SOUL SISTER!"

And as Kisame laughed and Itachi stared, the two began a loud, cheerful, bubbly conversation about cuticles. The Uchiha stared some more, before allowing his head to hit the table with a loud 'thump'.

He could already tell it was going to be a long night.

**.THE END.**

**A/N: MOAR CRACK PLZ. xD Sorry, this oneshot needed to be posted.**


End file.
